I Was Sure

I was sure about the war. I was seventeen and sure.

I could have drawn you the map, I could have named the enemy,

I knew exactly who was evil and exactly who was pure,

and I was wrong in every detail, and it took me twenty years to see.

I was sure about my father — that he never loved me much —

sure enough to move a country, sure enough to miss the calls,

and I found the letters after, in a box beneath the stairs...

he'd written me a hundred times. He just never sent them.

I was sure. God, I was sure.

I'd have bet my life on it — I did bet my life on it.

And the terrible thing about being wrong

is how exactly it feels like being right.

There's no tremor in the hand, there's no whisper in the blood,

no alarm goes off inside you when you cross into the dark —

it just feels like Tuesday. It just feels like standing up.

I was sure. God, I was sure.

And I was sure about you, love. That's the one that keeps me here.

I was sure you'd wait it out, I was sure you'd understand,

so I never asked the question, 'cause I already knew the answer,

and the answer that I knew was not the answer that you had.

You were three feet away for eleven years —

I could've turned my head. I could've turned my head.

But a man who's sure don't ask. That's the whole disease.

Certainty's a room with all the windows painted shut.

So if I'm honest — and I'm trying, and I'm late —

I don't know what happens when we die,

I don't know if I'd have done a single thing right in your place,

I don't know if the man I am today is better or just tired.

I know the sound the letters made

when I finally read them all.

I know it took me all my life

to learn to say I don't know.

I was sure. God, I was sure.

I'd have bet my life on it — I did bet my life on it.

And the terrible thing about being wrong

is how exactly it feels like being right.

So I'm putting down the certainty. I'm setting down the stone.

It's the heaviest thing I ever carried, and I carried it for free —

I was sure. God, I was sure...

and I'm so sorry that I was.