How Bad Can We Be

Now, now, now... before you get upset...

Well, the summers got longer — that's more beach for you and me!

And the ice caps are shrinking — that's just MORE unblocked sea!

There's beachfront up in Greenland now, we're selling every lot,

the polar bear looks skinny, sure...

...but have you seen our stock?

It climbed and climbed and climbed and climbed —

IT CLIMBED!

How ba-a-a-ad can we be? (how bad can we be?)

We're just doing what comes naturally! (JOBS!)

How ba-a-a-ad can we be? (how bad can we be?)

The line must go up for the economy! (GROWTH!)

Just look at us shaking hands in front of flags —

(GDP! GDP!)

How bad... can we possibly be?

Now the Northwest Passage opened — that's a shortcut, that's TRADE!

Where there used to be a glacier, there's a shipping lane we made!

The neighbors fight for water, and it's tragic, and it's grim...

...which is why we sell the hoses. And the fences. And to him.

We're the biggest fans of peace you'll ever meet, upon my word —

we sponsor every single war to end all wars we've heard!

And if millions come a-knocking from the lands we helped to dry,

we'll build a lovely, tasteful wall —

and wave to them! (bye-bye!)

How ba-a-a-ad can we be? (how bad can we be?)

It's called ENERGY SECURITY! (DRILL!)

How ba-a-a-ad can we be? (how bad can we be?)

If we don't sell the oil, well — SOMEBODY will! (SHRUG!)

Just look at us pledging things in fancy rooms —

(NET-ZERO! BY THE TIME WE'RE TOMBS!)

How bad... can we possibly be?

We flew four hundred private jets to talk about the smoke,

the buffet was outstanding and the AC never broke!

We pledged and pledged and re-repledged, we signed a fine communiqué,

we planted one tree for the cameras —

it died the following day.

We bought some carbon offsets from a forest that's on fire,

we rebranded all the pipelines with a leaf on the flyer!

The drone budget got billions and the flood fund got a plaque —

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS! (and thoughts!) — we'll build you back!

Oh, but think of the children... oh, we DO, we DO —

we've named a hurricane after each of you!

Little Storm Amelia... Cyclone Baby Ben...

They'll never say we gave them NOTHING, then!

HOW BAD—? HOW BAD—? HOW BAD—?

How BAD can we BE? (how bad can we be?)

The map is getting warmer but the margins are FREE!

How BAD can we BE? (how bad can we be?)

There's a very nice invoice in the mail for your sea!

The forecast says forever and the quarter says NOW,

we'd stop and fix the planet but the planet's not a — cow.

So raise a glass of glacier on the house, on the rocks!

Everything is fine! Everything is fine! Everything is—

HOW BAD CAN WE POSSIBLY—

...unless.