Allowed

I've been alright since about April, which is the longest I've done it.

No big reason. Nothing happened. That's sort of the annoying part.

I woke up one week and the volume had come down a bit,

and I've been walking round since then like I'm carrying something breakable.

I keep checking. Like, actively checking.

I'll be laughing at something and I'll go: hang on. Is this fine? Am I fine?

And then it's ruined, obviously, because I've gone and looked at it,

and it takes about a day to come back.

And everybody's telling me I look well,

and I say thanks, and I'm thinking: please don't.

Am I allowed to be this okay?

Like, is that a thing that I'm allowed?

'Cause there's no story going on,

there's nothing falling apart,

and I don't know who I am when there's nothing to get through.

Am I allowed?

Somebody tell me if I'm allowed.

I told my mate and she went "that's great" and I said "yeah" too quickly.

'Cause I've been the one who's struggling since we were about fifteen.

That's my thing. That's the whole of me. It's on the tin.

And if I put it down, then what — I'm just a bloke who's got a job?

I've had this idea of myself for so long

that being alright feels like turning up to the wrong house.

And I know how that sounds. I do know how that sounds.

I'm saying it anyway because it's true.

And she said, "You are so much more boring than you think,"

which is the nicest thing that anyone's said to me in years.

Am I allowed to be this okay?

Like, is that a thing that I'm allowed?

'Cause there's no story going on,

there's nothing falling apart,

and I don't know who I am when there's nothing to get through.

Am I allowed?

Somebody tell me if I'm allowed.

And then last month she says it — she's not even looking at me,

she's doing something else, she's got her back to me —

she goes: "You know you don't have to earn it, right?"

And I said, "Earn what?"

And she said, "This."

And she still didn't look up.

And I've thought about it every single day since.

Every day. Which is embarrassing. But there you go.

So maybe I'm allowed.

Maybe that's a thing that I'm allowed.

And I'm going to try and have it —

I'm going to try and have it while it's here,

and not stand next to it taking notes,

which is new for me.

That's really new for me.

Maybe I'm allowed.

And if it goes, it goes. It's gone before.

I know the way back. I've done the way back. I'm quite good at it.

But it hasn't gone yet.

It hasn't gone yet.

It hasn't gone yet.